''I don't support birthday humus.'' - Martina

Prayer Pants

Scott:  I usually pray with pants on.

The Poor Richard's Almanac & Pink Eye

Scott:

Early to bed
Early to rise
Makes a man
Pink in the Eyes

seducing...

"You can't seduce a woman in labor."
     -Martina Severn

Oh the Pubescence!!!

Scott:  Oh I love this album!  It reminds me of my childhood, and my post-pubescent life!

Ammon: .....

....

Ammon: Scott, only weirdos say pubescent.

Scott: Post-pubescent, thank you very much.

Pop-up Book

Amanda: "Nobody's listening to my story..."
Martina: "I'm listening. I'm just interjecting every once in a while."
Scott: "We're like a pop-up book, you tell the story and we pop up every once in a while."

Mom's havin' another!

A recent phone conversation:

Mom: Hey Ammon!
Ammon: Hey, Mom!  I just had a question...
Baby: WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Mom:  Oh, hold on, I'm having a crying baby...
Ammon:  What?!  Mom, that's not just a comment you throw around.  A little warning would have been nice!  I'm you're oldest son!  How do you think that makes me feel?!  I had no idea this was happening!

Mom, in case you're wondering, this happened while you were trying to console the baby.  Congrats, by the way!

Textationships

Scott: I hate textationships.
Ammon: What on earth is a text-lationship??
Scott: It's a relationship you have over texting.
Ammon: That's not a real word.
Scott: Yeah it is!
Ammon: Heck no it's not.
Scott: Are you kidding me?!  You can Merriam-Webster that shiz!

Native American Values

Scott drapes a sweater around his neck and poses for us, thus meriting this slew of comments:

Scott: Guys, if this was a fur coat, I could totally pull this off.
Martina: I think Averi has fur coat.  You should try it out!
Ammon: But wait, isn't Averi vegan??  Isn't that against some sort of Vegan code?
Scott: Apparently you can wear animals, but you can't eat them.
Ammon: She doesn't have eat it,  but you can still kill it!
Scott:  That's totally against Native American values...
..........
Ammon: You mean the super pale fire-ball red-head in our ward right?  WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO WITH NATIVE AMERICANS?!?!

Blowing Bubbles

While Martina Severn is blowing bubbles in our apartment:

Ammon:  Ooooh, I like it when she puckers!

"Repentance a day keeps the devil away." -Sir Ryan Scott Struthers

Companionship love

This is a conversation I had with one of my missionaries during a Spanish practice of using "would", Elder Russell:

Elder Russell: What would you sacrifice, Hermano Hallsted, to have the girl of your dreams?

(This is when I know they're getting to good at Spanish.)

Ammon: I'm not going to dignify that with a response.  Now I have a question for YOU.  What would you sacrifice to have the ability to convert hundreds of people?

Elder Russell: What would I sacrifice?  Hm...  I'd sacrifice my companion.

Ashley Parrot's Cutest Voice Cuotes.

Ashley Parrot is our fantastic neighbor, with the cutest Georgia voice we've ever heard.  That being said, she definitely says THE DARNDEST things with it.  For example:

"I will cut you!!!"


"I'm going to strangle you!!!"


"I just wish that you would die."


"I'm just so proud... to be an American?"


"Guys... I'm peeling."


"This is a liquid-nitrogen burn."


"I need my cookies AND I NEED THEM NOW!!!"


"And I will tower over you!" She' like 5'3"


""


""


""


""


""

We should pray... Well, maybe not.

Ryan and Steve Garlik (our new friend) were talking about the float trip and how hard it was to row. Garlik's crew was the last boat to get into lunch (even though they pride themselves on being super athletic). They were so far behind because their RAFT WAS DEFLATING and were sucked into a whirlpool.  They're 1/2 an hour behind when Steve relates-

Steve Garlik: I should have said a prayer.

...
I didn't though.
...
But we still made it!
*hysterical laughter*

Technologically updated sayings

I offered to fix the computer of the kindest person on earth: Jane Croft.  For those of you who instantly thought of Tomb Raider, you should share this blog on Facebook.  Just sayin.

For my offer to help, Jane brought over a massive gift basket filled with delicious cookies.  Here's what came of that:

Scott: You know Ammon, install updates for a Jane for a day, you fix her computer for a month.  Teach a Jane how to install updates on her computer, you fix her problems for 5 years or so.

Ammon: OR...  install updates every week for Jane, get cookies every week from Jane!

Sleepless in Provo

"If sleep determined beauty, than college kids would be butt-ugly."
-Scotty-poo Shattuck

First world problems, (Continuous post)

6/11/12- We had FHE (which is where several singles get together and try to flirt in front of the other singles they just were flirting with) and one guy kept sticking his hot dog into the fire pit where we were roasting hot dogs and marshmallows.  He began to hit everyone else's food and marshmallows, and I immediately called him out:

Ammon: Chris!  Stop touching eveyone elses food with your hot dog!  It's gross!

Scott: Ammon's like, "Stop touching my free hot dog which I'm roasting over a fire pit with these giant white puffballs of sugar (mallows)!"  First world problems.

During our latest excursion to 7 Peaks (for our foreign readers, it's a waterpark.  For our local readers, come join us!  Every Saturday, from 9:30-12.)

Let's try that again: During our latest excursion to 7 Peaks, we were freezing on the tower of slides due to the blustery weather.  I leaned against the side, tried to block the wind with my blue mat, and complained to Zack and Scott:

Ammon: Man, it's slightly cold!

Scott:  Yeah, those are First World problems, for sure!

Ammon:  Man, I'm a bit hungry.  I could really go for a saltine or something!

Scott: Again, First world problems!

Compromising in Marriage

Ryan: So Zack, how many kids are you guys going to have?

Zack: Well, I want 4, but she wants 6...

Ryan: So you'll compromise, right?

Zack: Yeah, we'll compromise and have 6.  :D

Puzzled no more!

Ammon, in a contemplative mood, stated;

Ammon: You know, if there's one thing that puzzles me...

Scott: It's women.

Ammon:  No, not even women.  I've got that well in hand.

Scott: Wow. Bold statement.  Don't come crying to me when you're having women trouble.

Santa's never coming for you again!

Now, introducing Chris T., who lives in the apartment above us.  A sparky young man, with an engaging personality, a full set of teeth, and fingers that can make the viola sing sweet music.

While playing the game "Never have I ever"...

Ryan: Yeah, I've eaten Reindeer.
Chris:  *Grabs Ryan by the shoulders, stares at him right in the eyes, and yells* THAT'S WHY SANTA DOESN'T COME ANYMORE!!!

Chuck Norris

Bethany- So... Who is Chuck Norris?

Ammon: Really?

Bethany: Ya.

Ammon: Chuck Norris movies, Walker Texas Ranger....

Bethany:  So he's like Oprah?

Peculiar Posts at 2 a.m.

While driving, Scott used the word "Proclavity".  It's supposed to be "proclivity", i.e. A tendency to choose or do something regularly, but we'll give it to him.


After a few minutes of silence,


Scott: My prolific pal, you possess a peculiar proclivity for propelling yourself towards perilous pitfalls in the pavement.


Ammon: You've been working on that one, haven't you.


Scott:... Yeah, for the last few minutes


It was particularly funny, especially pondering on the passing hour...  I'm done.

Song Title- Move My Way

Sweet Darling, move my way
Remove the slippers from your feet
and be here to stay
Sweet Darling, come my way
We'll run the length of summer's love
That lasts the light of day...

Rain-
Like the chasing of the day.
You would never move my way
with the faces that you make (JAM NOW)
you came along with sun and song
a broken heart that kept me long
Just enough to fool a man
whose jests had kept him far from harm

Sweet darling look to me
Leave your dreams, your shapes and seams
unravel all your memories
Sweet darling fall for me
The tide is high and the waves are rough
we'll make our way to sea

(Bridge it Scott!)
I will be here there for you
when the world comes down

(Guitar Solo? I say yes.)

See
I will be there hanging free
A martyr's line of misery
would keep your presence close to me
See the way we move the day
if you could simply shy away

from the shadow games we play...

Sweet Darling move my way

Remove the slippers from your feet

and be here to stay

Sweet Darling, come my way

We'll run the length of summer's love

That lasts the light of day...

MUSIC BY: Scott Shattuck and Devin Barrett

LYRICS BY: Ammon Hallsted and Scott Shattuck

Blondes back in High School

Ammon: Well, back in High School, Scott had a thing for blondes.  Isn't that right Scott?

Scott: Yeah, I still have a thing for High School blondes!

The Dreamy Colonoscopy

The conversation started with Drama.  Then went so... far from where we were.

Ammon: Yeah, I don't deal with crap.  I don't do crap, ever.

Matt: You don't crap?

Ammon: Never.

Matt:  Well, I crap like at least once a day, maybe twice.

Scott: Yeah, I'll go twice a day.

Ammon:  Yeah, I have a bum catheter. You do know what a catheter is, right?

Matt: Yes I do.  Well, with that in mind, I'm going to bed. (Shuts the door)

Ammon: I hope that image sticks.

Scott: Matt, I want that as your mental screensaver, all night long!

(Matt comes back in)

Matt: Guys, I wanted to let you know, I just woke up, and I had a colonoscopy in my sleep.

Elder Deschamps strikes again!

So normally I wouldn't do this, but... I teach Spanish at the Missionary Training Center.  One of them, Elder Deschamps, has put me to tears several times with his zany sense of humor.  This one happened yesterday:

Elder Hall: Hermano Hallsted, do you know how many Hispanics are in Portland?  Like... Negative 3!

Elder Deschamps:  Wait... So what happened to those three Hispanic people?

Touchy Old Puns

Matt W (also known as Dubs) walks into the apartment after a long day of school. Scott notices his haircut from the weekend and comments on it.

Matt, in jest, replies "I didn't get a haircut... I'm balding, ok? Thanks for bringing it up..."

Scott replies: "No problem man. Anytime you need touchy subjects touched upon, I'm your guy."

Ryan, listening from the kitchen, after a good hearty laugh, chimes in: "Oh Scott, you and your puns! I love them and I never get old... of them..."

Gird up thy Loins!!! No, wait, NO!!!

An email conversation while working at Vivint, between Ammon and Scott:

******

Scott: Jk. But yeah, while I was debating on whether I should or not, I kinda just said in my head; “ya know what, if I don’t do this now, when the crap will I ever start.”

So I took your words to heart, drew up my courage, girded up my loins, and left the sticky note of love in The Hobbit.

woot

Ammon:  Alright fine.  But I’m pretty sure she’s not going to read the INSIDE COVER!   I hope she finds it…

Oh, and never gird up your loins while you’re at work.  That’s a disgusting mental image, never, ever do that to me again. 

Seriously, where did that phrase come from?  They’re in a loincloth, and they “GIRD up their loins”???  Ugh, that’s horrible.  Maybe it was a cultural way of showing how manly… I’m not even going to go there.

But seriously, even if they were wearing animal skin pants, how do you gird up your loins?  I’d like to see you try it.  What a weird saying.  Maybe they accidently wrote it in, and it turned into this huge prophet-historian joke for centuries.  That would make the prophets a LOT cooler in my eyes.

Scott: Indeed. It would be something akin to saying nowadays “And behold, they hiked up their underpants… and went and preached unto the congregations”

Yep

Ammon:  Super weird.  Honestly, I wonder if the first guy who wrote it forgot to wear a belt to his preaching corner.  He’s writing his account in the plates, late one night… his mind starts to wander as he accidently engraves the phrase… and now he had to lie to his generations and the rest of the Christian world about how that statement is metaphorical.  What a shame.

  This whole conversation is going on the quote blog tonight.  J

Social Media for the Other Side

From Reagan, during Sunday School from a call to go to Indexing class:

"Indexing is awesome!  It's like Facebooking for the dead!"

Church Choir

Scott was recently called as the Church Choir Director, and I as the Choir President.  Which means that he tries to keep a handle on me and Ryan cracking constant jokes in the back row.  To ease the tension (if not, then you'll have to ask Ryan, it's inexplicable), Ryan started... grabbing/caressing one of the soprano's heads.

Scott: Ryan!  Will please stop touching the sopranos!?

*Ryan and I exchange immature smirks*

Scott: (talking to someone else) All right let's get back to that...

Ammon: Yes Ryan, please get back to touching the sopranos.

Learning Disorders

Upon finding themselves in the midst of a deep philosophical conversation regarding modern learning styles and the efficiency of tests...

Ryan (while doing his computer programming homework): I should program something that will do my math homework for me. I can program it onto a calculator to take into the testing center, and they won't suspect it at all.
Scott: Well in today's life, the real test is of one's ingenuity, and not what he just memorized.
Ryan: I'm not a fan of bulimic learning.
Scott: Aah, regurgitative learning. Hm, I'm against both bulimic learning and bulimia...
Ryan: Well, it's better than anorexic learning.
Scott: Haha yep. "I'm just not going to learn this. Nope, not gonna take it in."

Frog frog frog frog frog frog frog frog.....

Israel meet the 8th Wonder of the World.

Introducing our good friend of the Apartment, Sheena!  I can't think of a better way to introduce her than with her commentary tonight:

Sheena: Wait, I really never told you guys about skinny dipping in the Danube River? (True story, btw)

Ammon:  You went skinny dipping in the famous river that's in children's books and has had classical music written after it??? I can't believe you did that!

Scott:  Yeah, that's like going streaking in the Holy Land!

The wonders of the human body. Or maybe just Scott's body. Yep, just Scott's body.

--A few weeks ago:

Ammon: Scott, did you just sniff both of your armpits?

Scott:.... Yes I did.  One of them smells worse than the other.

Ammon: How... Why would you possibly know that?!

Scott: You don't sniff your shirts after wearing them?

Ammon:  NO Scott, I don't.  I don't sniff my armpits.

Scott: Yeah, my right armpit smells worse than the other.

Ammon: WHAT?!

--A few minutes ago:

Ammon:  Scott, did you just smell your floss?

Scott:  Yes I did.

Ammon: Scott, why on earth would you smell your floss?!?

Scott: Because it smells like pickles.

Ammon:........ Did you have pickles earlier tonight?

Scott:  No I didn't.  My tooth junk-filler-stuff always smells like pickles, every night!

Ammon:  .........

Scott: Don't worry, I'm not going to make you smell it.

Ammon: I WOULD NEVER...  Thank you, Thank you Scott for not making me smell your pickle teeth floss!! I'm so glad and grateful that you're not making me smell your pickle flavored floss!  Thank you!

Barney- way too much love

Ammon: K guys, there's this episode of Barney...

Matt: Wait, are you talking about the love-kids show?

Ammon: I have no idea what show you're talking about, but the show we know is about a big purple dinosaur.

Scott's Third Wheelin' it!

Kevin Williams: Hey Matt, do you remember when your date almost got hit by a car?

Matt: She wasn't my date.

Kevin: Yeah right, okay... well Ammon was my date.

Scott: Oh thank goodness I didn't go, I would've been the third wheel for a gay couple!

Johnny Appleseed

While I'm eating my apple pie...

Scott: Did you hear that joke about the rat in the apple pie?

Matt: No, but did you hear that joke about the earwax and the apple pie?

Scott: No, but did you hear about the ear pimple and the apple pie?

Matt:, Oh, yeah, but did you hear about the pimple that exploded in the apple pie???

Ammon: CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE A MAN AND HIS APPLE PIE ALONE??!!